Have you seen this article that’s been circulating online, "How to Miss a Childhood"? It talks about “distractions
of the modern age” and how they can so easily impede “being” with our
children.
The author cites a list of
ways to miss your kiddos’ childhood, mostly having to do with the extra
appendages (i.e. smart phones) that many of us possess.
·
Keep your
phone turned on at all times of the day…always let the caller take priority.
·
While you wait for the server to bring your food…stare
at your phone…despite that your child sits inches away.
·
Go to your child’s sporting event and look up
periodically…thinking she won’t notice that you’re not fully focused.
·
Don’t look up from your phone when your child
speaks to you or just reply with an “uh huh”.
The list continues with what seem like some pretty egregious
infractions…but ones that are probably not very uncommon…”infractions” that
many people may not even realize.
When I first read through the article, I shook my head in
sorrow, yet thinking it didn’t apply to me.
Several times I’ve confessed having a drug dealer phone, which barely
has text capabilities. It’s cumbersome
to even make a phone call. No way am I
guilty of any of these distractions.
I rationalize that I’m never very far from home, from my
laptop, so I don’t need a fancy phone.
Gulp. Then it hit me
that I’m far from guilt-free if I substitute “laptop” for “phone”.
I have my “coffee and computer time” each morning after
breakfast, for about 45 minutes. And I
think that’s OK. The girls know they’re
expected to engage in independent play, and I think it’s healthy for them to
see Mommy spending some time apart from them.
My next “computer time” happens during nap.
But…I’m guilty of stopping by the computer on the way to the
bathroom…reading emails while the girls finish their snack…getting up to get a glass
of water and reading a quick blog post as I do so. And it’s easy for that quick blog post to
turn into leaving a quick comment…and while I’m at it let me glance at Facebook…oops,
gotta wish Susan a happy birthday!
And, in the process – if I’m being completely honest – I am
sure I’ve given the girls an “Uh huh” or “Just a minute, Sweetie” while I was
paying much more attention to the glowing screen than to my glowing beauties.
The article talks about the message we’re subconsciously
sending our children, that they’re not our first priority. “You think you are spending time with [your
children], but you’re not present really.”
“What is the message they receive?
I am not important; I am not important.”
Gulp.
Since I read this article on Wednesday morning, I’ve done
things differently.
I still have my “coffee and computer time”, but I’ve been
disciplined to close my laptop at 9:00.
The next time I open it is when the girls are down for naps, about
1:30. And when they get up? They see a closed computer. It’s opened again after bed.
It’s been less than a week, but I can say this exercise has
been freeing. It’s been a little bit of
an adjustment, for sure…not checking email when we get back from the grocery
store…but I certainly don’t feel like I’ve lost anything.
In fact, I feel like I’ve gained a whole lot.
I don’t feel the tug to linger in the kitchen on the way
back from the bathroom. I don’t feel
drawn to pull away from the den to check the exact temperature on weather.com.
I just feel more relaxed, and I’m sure – on some level – my girls
feel that, too.
I don’t mean to suggest that I think I should spend every
waking moment focused on my girls. I actually
think that would be doing them a disservice; they need to understand that the
household must continue to run, and that the entire world does not revolve
around them.
Nor do I mean to suggest that I’ll never check another email
or answer another phone call in their presence, that I’ll never zone out for a
few minutes reading a magazine or listening to a song on the car radio.
For me, I just think it’s harder to be disciplined about
online time…there’s always one more email to respond to, one more post to read,
one more comment to leave. And I still plan
to enjoy all those things…just on my time, not my girls’.
6 comments:
I have to admit that the week when my blog was moving from Blogger to WordPress and I was out of commission, I was pretty darn relaxed. I still had three posts due for blogs where I contribute, but I wasn't as pressed to check for comments or *gasp* read other people's blogs. I try, try, try to keep my online stuff limited to after bedtime and I know I never check in when the twins are up because they bang on my keyboard, LOL! Good work, mama!
Ugh. Guilty as charged. I get a bazillion text messages on my days off due to the fact that I'm a pharmacy manager. For some reason my "kids" at work can't function without me there. I need to focus on my actual kids more than work when I'm off. Thank you for mentioning this. I'll probably blog about how it goes and link back to ya!
Yes! I saw it, also on Sunday, and spent a good 30 mins reading her blog.
I don't have the phone addiction either but if I'm not careful, the computer can take that place for me. I do have a little tip though - a very slow to boot up computer in a room with a closed door LOL
Guilty here, too, although a little less so recently as I have let my blogging slide.
My computer sits on a table besides my rocker recliner. I was holding Emily as she read the other day, and with one hand, I slyly checked FB/email/online news when Emily grabs my face, says "Mommy look," and turns me towards her. Oy.
Lesson learned.
I'd have to say I'm similar, Mandy. I'm often checking fb on my way to the bathroom.
I love the 30 minutes you take in the morning while your girls play. I'd love to transition to something similar. I often feel like their play time is when I'm tidying the kitchen or folding laundry, rather than designating that time for the computer before I put it away for the day.
Monks live by these rules, that I have on my kitchen cabinets (or at least did till I took them down to get our house ready to put on the market):
Pay attention
One thing at a time
Listen while you work
Everything's a miracle
A powerful post, Mandy. There's wise words here for everyone to cherish their children, and to pay attention.
That article was definitely a great wake up call to many of us Moms. I've definitely been trying to be much more aware of where my attention is when I'm with my kiddos. I'm so looking forward to this summer and the time we'll have!
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