Not as Pretty

On Monday morning Baby A looked outside and squealed, “Mommy!  There’s a yellow bird in the yard!”  I glanced and thought surely it was a leaf, or maybe a butterfly…but then I realized there were the most beautiful goldfinches playing chase through the backyard.  They were amazing…so tiny, so fast, and their vibrant colors were truly stunning.

Our neighbor stopped by for a little bit, and we pointed out our little visitors to her.  She told the girls a few fun facts about finches, including that the beautiful yellow ones we saw were males.  I don’t remember the exact wording she used, but my mind was spinning to other animals – mostly birds, I think – for which the male has the more prominent display of colors.

Fast forward a couple of days, and the girls were chattering in the backseat on the way home from school, musing we hadn’t seen the finches again.  B piped up, “The boy goldfinches are bright yellow, but the females aren’t as pretty.”

I almost stopped the car.

“Oh, Sweetie, the females are very pretty, too.  All God’s creatures are beautiful, just as He made them.  We know that the male goldfinches are more brightly colored than females, but all birds are beautiful, right?  The females flit around super quickly, just like the males, and that’s pretty amazing to watch, isn’t it?”

I didn’t push it any further, and the girls quickly moved onto something else…but the conversation still sticks in my mind.

I generally shy away from the word “pretty”.  I most often tell the girls how radiant they are, and they can define that that implies beauty and light.  I love the “light” component of that word…light, and energy, and curiosity, and zest…everything that is a precious child. 

I use the word beautiful, too, but I try to define it in a much larger context…as in, “She is such a beautiful person.  She is so kind and thoughtful.”  Or, “These illustrations are so beautiful.  I love how the artist captured the details of the water.  Can’t you almost just feel it between your toes?”

Of course I think my girls are pretty.  They are gorgeous!  They are stunning!  They are amazing!  But I want to continue to instill in them that there are many, many ways to be “pretty”…or radiant, as I prefer to call it.

Trying to Figure Out This "Love Languages" Thing...

I posted several weeks ago about reading the Five Love Languages for Children. 

While I don’t feel like our girls have ever gone through a “tantrum” / attention-getting phase, I’ve had a palpable sense for a while now that there’s something to the idea of a “love tank”…that we need to feel emotionally “full” so that we can better withstand the inevitable bumps during the course of the day or week or month.

At the outset of the book, the author outlines that it’s not always possible to identify a child’s primary love language until she is a bit older…maybe six or eight.  Ultimately, as children are growing, they need to be addressed in all the love languages to solidify a healthy emotional base.  Also, a young child may rotate among the languages that most fulfill her.  It’s likely that only later a primary love language can be determined.

I have heard Marcia talk about her children’s love languages, having been able to identify them already.  I wish I could say the same…but I just can’t.  I remind myself of the author’s caution (so as not to feel bad that I can’t figure this out!), and frankly, I think the love languages run together so fluidly.

Thinking about myself, I have at times been really humbled at receiving gifts, for example…but I don’t think that’s speaking to my “gifts” language.  It actually feels more like an “act of service”, that someone knows me so well to seek to buy such a thoughtful gift.  Or, I could almost see it as “words of affirmation”, given the sentiment that accompanied the gift.  And then there’s the “time” that was invested in putting the gift together.  Hmmm…

As I try to observe my girls with this in mind, the best I’ve been able to do is to think about what they want when they’re upset, and how do they most often show their affection for me.

Baby A has been very affectionate lately.  When she gets upset over something, she comes running for a hug.  Sometimes she’ll even ask, “I want a hug!  And a kiss!”  She can be so incredible tender, as she loves to snuggle and be near me.  I am guessing that she’s most motivated by physical touch.

Baby B interrupts what she’s doing quite often to volunteer, “I love you, Mommy.” She does it at random, and also when she’s upset.  I am guessing that she’s most motivated by words of affirmation.

There’s no doubt in my mind that our girls feel loved.  We maintain a positive energy and we’re actively engaged with each other and as a family.  We are affectionate and giving towards each other, and it would be absolutely impossible for me to go through a day without showering my babies with hugs and kisses and coos.

Still, since I’ve been thinking specifically about the love languages approach, I’ve been a little more intentional to try to “top off” the girls’ love tanks, in particular before I divert my attention to something else.  Before I extract myself to make supper, for example, I make sure to give the girls some extra hugs and get in a couple of additional “I love you’s”.

I can’t say whether it’s made a precise difference with the girls, but if nothing else, there’s no harm in hugs and kisses and words of affirmation.

I still think the “Love Languages” is an interesting and valid concept, one that I’ll continue to ponder.  So...once again...to be continued!

Insight in Our Tender Heart...

…at least at school.

My precious Baby A has continued to be a little more emotional, but at least I have insight into what was troubling her at school over the past week.

Poor Mrs. G addressed me in the hallway before school was out on Tuesday.  “I think it’s my fault, and I just feel terrible.”  This sweet lady has a heart of solid gold, and she was almost in tears herself, telling me what happened.

Mrs. G told me that she was feeling really warm in the classroom that day.  She saw that A was dressed in a sweater and turtleneck, and she thought she was probably too warm, too.  She took off A’s sweater, and A started to cry.  She said that A was fine, as soon as they went out into the hallway for bathroom time and A was able to get her sweater out of her cubby. 

This triggered her to think about the prior week, when she called me to come get A.  She said that she had taken her sweater off that day, too, and hadn’t realized it had bothered her.

If my Baby A weren’t in a heightened emotional state, I don’t think this would bother her…but at least we figured out what was setting her off at school.

Sweet Mrs. G felt so bad, I just knew.  I couldn’t bear to tell her the backstory, at least on Tuesday…

Over the prior weekend, Baby A had asked to wear her panda sweater.  It wasn’t clean, so I told her I would make sure to wash it and she could wear it to school on Tuesday.  Our girls don’t usually seem to focus much on what they’re wearing, but she was really set on that sweater for some reason.  She talked on Sunday and Monday that she was excited to go to school on Tuesday and wear her panda sweater.

Then, Tuesday morning as we were getting dressed, Baby A said to me, “And if I get hot at school, I can take off my sweater,” since she was wearing a turtleneck underneath it.

It was a very cold day, and I am not wild about changing clothes in front of people, so I told her, “You can if you really need to, but I hope you’ll be able to wear your clothes as they are.”

So…not only was my Baby A wearing her coveted panda sweater, but I had specifically asked her not to take it off.

I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.

The takeaway…from Mrs. G at school, and later from me, at home…was that it’s OK to tell someone – even a teacher – if they are asking you to do something you don’t want to.  You are not in trouble if you say politely, “I don’t want to take my sweater off.”

If only all life’s problems were as easily solved.

(My gut is that A's sensitivity will pass, if history is any indication.  I do have some thoughts along the lines of the Five Love Languages...for another post.)

Help on Handling a Tender Heart???

I’ve noticed it here and there at home, but I didn’t think too much about it.  After I got a call from preschool yesterday, though, it’s really caused my heart to hurt. 

I can only deduce that my precious Baby A has such an incredibly tender heart.

It usually happens after I scold her about something.  It doesn’t happen every time, and it can be the smallest of things.  Sometimes it’s after I’ve reached “THREE” (using 1-2-3 Magic, which indicates she’s earned a timeout)…and sometimes it happens at “ONE”.

She breaks down into sobs, and immediately cries, “I need a tissue!  Wipe my nose and my eyes!”

To date I’ve chalked it up to her having a very strong conscience.  I can remember my mom saying that she rarely had to discipline me; she just had to give me “the look”…or worse, to let me know she was disappointed in me…and I’d melt and straighten right up.  I thought Baby A had inherited that trait from me.

The phone startled me yesterday, mid-morning, a couple of hours after I left the girls at school.  It was Mrs. G, calling to tell me that Baby A had been crying and they couldn’t get her to really stop.  She said that she seemed to be feeling OK, but she wanted to know if there was anything else going on.

[My girls aren’t big “cry-ers”…they don’t fuss very much…and unless they’re hurt, they rarely cry.  To my knowledge, they’ve never cried at school.]

The only thing I could think of was A’s more recent sensitivity.  I gave Mrs. G. an example, and she then told me that A had asked her to read a book to her, just as they were about to begin an activity.  Mrs. G told A that she couldn’t read to her then, as it was time for the class to do a craft.  She said that’s when A started crying.

Mrs. G at first said that A looked OK to her, that she was involved in a structured activity, and she was back to herself.  She called a couple of minutes later, though, and said A was crying again.

I went to pick her up, and she and I went to an early lunch before it was time to pick up Baby B.  She was extra cuddly, but she didn’t otherwise seem upset.

I’ve had a couple of conversations with A since yesterday morning.  I hope she knows this intrinsically, but I thought maybe she needed to hear it expressly…I’ve reassured her that I ALWAYS love her.  Sometimes we all make poor decisions…there are consequences for those decisions…and we hope to learn from our mistakes…but NO MATTER WHAT, I ALWAYS love her.

Thoughts on how to handle this???   

She hasn’t always been this way…in fact, there were times that discipline didn’t seem to phase her at all.  I don’t want to be tempted not to discipline her, but I want to make sure I’m not really hurting her precious, tender heart.

I would appreciate any words of wisdom!  Thank you!!!

Note to Self: I Have TWO Kids, Not Just One...

I’ve done this twice now, in as many months.

Every second of every day, I am concentrated on TWO…but somehow…when it has come to school functions…I’ve almost forgotten half of my brood.

I guess it stems from having so many “twin” friends.  Up until the girls started preschool, our social interaction was with other sets of twins.  It was perfectly acceptable…particularly with such young kiddos…to address an invitation to “Thing 1 and Thing 2” – together – or to buy a larger gift that could be enjoyed by both siblings.

As the girls are a little older now, I’ve become more conscious of setting them apart from each other, trying to treat them as much like individuals as possible.  At least on school days, I rarely dress them alike, and they each choose their own hairstyle.

Why, then, did I ALMOST slip up and make only one set of Valentine’s Day cards for the girls’ classmates???

I would not have appreciated them having to share Valentine’s Day cards, but it occurred to me – relatively late in the game – that they each needed a set to hand out.

Thank goodness I realized this on time…and you would have thought I learned my lesson.

Fast forward a few weeks to Easter, and the preschool has asked the parents to send 12 filled eggs for the class Easter egg hunt.

I went to the store…bought 12 eggs…and decided on the filling.

I was musing to myself, thinking how that seemed like a lot…each kid coming home with 12 EGGS!

Hmmm…but…for that math to work out…I’d need to send 12 eggs for EACH CHILD.

I made a return trip to the store, bought more eggs and more goodies…crisis averted…again.

Maybe one day I’ll internalize the whole TWO KIDS “thing” for good.