Not as Pretty

On Monday morning Baby A looked outside and squealed, “Mommy!  There’s a yellow bird in the yard!”  I glanced and thought surely it was a leaf, or maybe a butterfly…but then I realized there were the most beautiful goldfinches playing chase through the backyard.  They were amazing…so tiny, so fast, and their vibrant colors were truly stunning.

Our neighbor stopped by for a little bit, and we pointed out our little visitors to her.  She told the girls a few fun facts about finches, including that the beautiful yellow ones we saw were males.  I don’t remember the exact wording she used, but my mind was spinning to other animals – mostly birds, I think – for which the male has the more prominent display of colors.

Fast forward a couple of days, and the girls were chattering in the backseat on the way home from school, musing we hadn’t seen the finches again.  B piped up, “The boy goldfinches are bright yellow, but the females aren’t as pretty.”

I almost stopped the car.

“Oh, Sweetie, the females are very pretty, too.  All God’s creatures are beautiful, just as He made them.  We know that the male goldfinches are more brightly colored than females, but all birds are beautiful, right?  The females flit around super quickly, just like the males, and that’s pretty amazing to watch, isn’t it?”

I didn’t push it any further, and the girls quickly moved onto something else…but the conversation still sticks in my mind.

I generally shy away from the word “pretty”.  I most often tell the girls how radiant they are, and they can define that that implies beauty and light.  I love the “light” component of that word…light, and energy, and curiosity, and zest…everything that is a precious child. 

I use the word beautiful, too, but I try to define it in a much larger context…as in, “She is such a beautiful person.  She is so kind and thoughtful.”  Or, “These illustrations are so beautiful.  I love how the artist captured the details of the water.  Can’t you almost just feel it between your toes?”

Of course I think my girls are pretty.  They are gorgeous!  They are stunning!  They are amazing!  But I want to continue to instill in them that there are many, many ways to be “pretty”…or radiant, as I prefer to call it.

What is a Princess?

We have a handful of books of classic fairy tales, and quite a few of them have “princess” stories.  We read them here and there, but the girls much prefer tales about cats and dogs and trains and firemen. 

I’ve made a very conscious effort to avoid character marketing.  The girls are huge Curious George fans, for example, based on the many books we have.  While I think they would love their very own plush Curious George, or a Curious George shirt or backpack, I’m holding out to the evils of marketing for as long as I can.

I have completely and deliberately avoided the “princess” marketing.  While the media seems to lead us to believe it’s a natural part of childhood, I don’t remember playing “princess” as a kid (in the late 70’s / early 80’s), and I don’t think I’ve suffered any ill effects.  The stereotypical idea of a princess makes me think of “entitlement”, and I don’t want my ladies growing up thinking they’re entitled to anything.  How do you get to Carnegie Hall?  Hard work, my friends!

The question of princesses has only recently come up.  I know the girls have heard it from a friend or two, and now maybe also from school.  They’ve asked several times, “Mommy, what is a princess?”

We’ve been talking a little bit about government (as best I can on a three-year old level, anyway).  I’ve explained that some countries have a different government, with a king, a queen, a prince, and a princess.  So now, if you were to ask my girls about a princess, they would likely say something about the “British royal government”.

I’ve also shown them pictures of Princess Diana.  My hope is that they would answer the question, “Who is your favorite princess?” by saying, “Diana”.

I have told the girls what a beautiful mother Lady Di was to her boys.  I’ve shown them pictures of some of her humanitarian missions, and talked about how she helped less fortunate people all over the world.

 I’ve approached the subject each time very matter-of-factly.  Princesses are real people.  One of the most well-known princesses is Princess Diana, and here’s what we can learn from her.

I know I can’t avoid the “princess craze” in its entirety, but I at least hope I can put what I think is a more positive spin on an often pink-tulle-and-rhinestone-encrusted subject.

[I don't mean to pass judgment on princesses, or Dora, or Mickey Mouse...whatever.  While I didn't grow up with princesses, I was a huge fan of Sesame Street, the Smurfs, and Strawberry Shortcake.  I don't think I was scarred by that, either!  That's just not something I've felt missing from our day-to-day interactions.  I'm sure there will be a time and a place for that as the girls grow older.  And I may even be willing to let them put up a movie poster in their room one day.  HA!]

Self-Deprecation

I don't respond well to folks who fish for compliments.

"Oh, I look awful!"  ...or...  "I'm so fat!"

It's darn-near impossible for me to take the bait and respond with a "No, you don't!  You look great!"

I like to consider myself a kind, compassionate person...but the smarty-pants response that most often pops into my mind is, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I usually meet myself somewhere in the middle and say something along the lines of, "Please don't say that, you are a beautiful person".

And -- since having children -- I specifically want to scream, "PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT IN FRONT OF MY GIRLS!!!"

[As a side note, if you're in the throes of post-baby blues, or some other life situation, and you earnestly tell me, "I just don't feel good about myself right now," that's a completely different story.  I will shower you with hugs and make you a warm beverage and do my best to help you feel better.]

But...back to the girls...particularly at this young age, I don't want my girls to hear people talking negatively about their appearances.

You read statistics about how many three- / four- / five-year olds say they need to go on a diet...how many eight-year olds don't like their noses...how many fifteen-year olds would like to have cosmetic surgery.

At our house, we try our best to focus our energies on being smart and healthy, and -- although in today's culture it may be wishful thinking -- I would love for those such thoughts to never enter our girls' minds.

I'm very passionate about this subject, recognizing I have two radiant young daughters who absorb every.single.ounce of their environment like very porous sponges.

Then why, after meeting a friend for ice cream on Saturday, did I realize that I can sometimes do a pretty rotten job of accepting a compliment???

This friend lives out of town, and I haven't seen her in a couple of years.  I know I accepted her first compliment or two, but then she started denigrating herself.  At the time, it was completely unconscious of my part, but I know I volunteered something along the lines of, "Well, there's a reason I don't wear bikinis anymore."

Why???  Why did I allow the conversation to progress that way?

I know on some level I was just trying to make her feel better, but I know that was not a good example for me to set for my girls.

Lesson learned...I hope.

I think it takes a very high level of consciousness to raise our children with the self-worth that we all yearn for them to have.  It's easy to point to celebrity culture as the culprit...but I think certain tendencies far pervade that.

It's not just celebrity culture...it's everywhere.  Four sticky kids crawling over two multi-tasking mamas, on a hot day in front of an ice cream shop...we were a long, long way from E! News. 

A reminder to me to remain steadfast, and always AWARE.

Swimsuit Woes

I have a handful of friends who have little girls a bit older than A and B.  For a year or so now, I've noticed a couple of them lamenting shopping for swimsuits for their girlies.

This year, I joined the lamenting.

I bought the girls their first swimsuits -- size 18months -- a couple of years ago.  They each had a one-piece and a two-piece tankini.  I quickly discovered the one-piece was not particularly fun to get on and off...off, when wet, specifically.  The girls wore their tankini suits the last two summers.

I bought the girls a new tankini -- size 3T -- at the end of last season.  When we decided to enroll them in swim lessons, I thought I'd look for something with a little more coverage.  I was thinking about someone other than Hubby and me handling them in the pool, and I just wanted to be extra conservative.

I found what I thought was the perfect solution, a little "surfer" set (as I call it, anyway).  In addition to a fuller cut, I wouldn't have to be quite so diligent around the edges when it came to sunscreen application.  Win-win!

But...when I tried the suits on the girls -- super cute as they were...the bottoms fit more like pajama bottoms...very loose.  (At this age are the suits still designed for swim diapers?)

I think these will be great for running through the sprinklers in the yard, and maybe even the dancing fountains downtown...but I'm afraid they would fall right off with any real water-weight in a pool.

[I have athletic swim shorts myself, and they have a built-in "liner".  I didn't remotely think to look for that when I bought these for the girls.]

I went shopping earlier in the week for another swimsuit for the girls, and I had the hardest time.  I wanted a two-piece, but one with decent coverage.

I only looked at Walmart and Target, but there were so many higher-cut suits...not to mention itty bitty tops.

I ended up with another tankini almost identical to the one the girls already have.  That's OK, but I would have loved to have found something different for them to enjoy.

I know this conundrum is nothing new to mamas of little girls, but this was my first real foray into that world.  Ugh.  And I'm probably in for this battle for the next, um...25 years???

Hmmm...I wonder where the Duggars get those swim dresses.